First and foremost, I have to give a shout out to my blogger buddy, Liz from Charlotte, NC. I ran across her blog about a month ago and bonded with this girl and blog stalk her probably all day every day. If you guys want to read some truly inspirational stuff, this girl has it all. Along with great fitness tips, recipes, and how to live like a queen, and spend like your granny. :) Isn't she PURDY!?!?!?!?
Seriously though, this chick is real, she loves life, and she's down 63 pounds since November 2013, and is just amazing to watch her transform. Not only physically, this chick is DOING things. For real y'all, check her out. I'm literally spellbound when I go to read her posts each day. She is fully committed to fitness and blogging and a budding writing career. And she makes me want to get some big blonde highlights.
YOU GO GLEN COCO!!!
Back to the Thursday topic. You guys can probably tell from recent posts and the title of this post that I've been going through some things. Growth is a part of transition, and my life right now is one huge ball of changes. I thought getting married would be the biggest transition, and it really has been. Just ask Jarrett about merging finances and me eyeballing every time he bought McDonalds or Taco Bell. But it has been a great transition. After a few months of figuring out married life and how to communicate, we couldn't be happier. Thumbs up in the marriage department.
This is really personal for me to share, but I'm putting it out there, so here goes. Liz has definitely rubbed off on me, she inspires me to just take a leap of faith and trust that this will inspire others. Deep breath...3....2....1....
There are other things going on right now that have just caused me to turn inward for about 2 weeks and think. Being on vacation helped me to rest and reset somewhat, but coming back from it was a huge shock to my system, mainly with my job. And at the moment last Monday when I sat and shed huge tears in front of my manager over my unhappiness, I knew that I had to start dealing with me. I've had this underlying sense of being perfect, the best, and extremely successful for a long time. I think it started with the fact that 7 years ago, I job hopped every year because I was never satisfied with what I was doing. I wanted something bigger, something better, just something more. I wanted to be a director of an organization at 25, but had zero experience, so that never happened. And now that I'm doing a big job and working a lot, it's starting to hit me that failure is inevitable, and I don't deal with that well.
I'm a people pleaser. I've always been a yes man (well, woman). I want people to like me and praise me for a job well done. I manage to get a great deal of that at times, but on the inside, I'm starting to notice that none of that matters to me anymore. The hard part about everything is that knowing I'm doing a good job just doesn't click with my brain anymore. I see small things as huge blunders. I put pressure on myself to drive forward without any sort of notion that I'm taking on too much. I eventually get to a point to where I look down at all my lists, notes, and projects and realize that I've put myself in a really bad spot. And it's mostly all my fault. I don't know how to lean on others. I don't know how to ask for help. At the end of the day, I just can't take it anymore and I find myself angrier and more hurt than I can stand.
I just want to stop it all, sit down, and melt into a puddle of my own tears.
What I've learned from taking the time to not share any of this publicly is that I have an issue. And it's bled into other areas of my life. When Jarrett and I got married, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife. We would have small disagreements and it would ruin me. Even prior to marriage, small things crumbled me. I NEVER SAW MYSELF THIS WAY. That's the kicker. I never understood that I managed to crumble OR hold it all inside until I just started to feel devastated. And that is what has happened to me for a solid 2 months.
It's been hell.
What I realized in going through all of this is something that my sweet mother in law said to me over the weekend. We are both very alike and have similar work situations and goals. She is also a hard worker that can get so entrenched in the grind that it's hard to pull herself out. She said to me "you just have to do what's best for you. And if that means you work 40 hours and stay sane sometimes, then that's what you do."
In the past two weeks, I've worked to put myself back on a level playing field. On vacation, I started a fitness routine again and just wanted to keep going with it when I got home. While I was at the beach, I took time each day to be quiet, pray, and think about things. I took time to talk to my husband about dreams and aspirations and his support with all that I've gone through. I don't know when I stopped needing to lean on someone, but I did. I thought that I could handle everything on my own and just do what I could to survive.
Scaling back is a big deal to me. You are talking to a girl that leaves work at 5, comes home, and turns on the computer for 2 more hours. Or comes in early to start the day tackling what I didn't get done yesterday. I was going nowhere with it. I could not dig my way out of the hole. And the hard part is, I'm heading into what will be a busy work season, so I know that things will be super crazy throughout the next few months. On top of football season. On top of all sorts of life changes. On top of a dog that howls and wants to take over our bed all the time. On top of trying to get myself into tip top shape just to be good at that too.
I just have to slow down. I have to take care of myself. I have to sit on the couch with my husband at night, watch our Netflix, and just be there. I can't be distracted by 1000 emails, phone calls and texts that further drive me into a state of chaos.
My sister is probably reading this and cheering right now. (My boss is probably reading this going CRAAAAAAAAP!) I've struggled with boundaries in my life for a long time and she's been talking to me literally for 15 years on making better ones. I listen, I usually do better, but I've let them dissolve. But in the past 2 weeks, I found new ones that I think are way better than setting boundaries made out bubbles, or feathers, or something not strong at all. This isn't me saying I'm not willing to work hard or take myself to the next level. This is me saying I have to go the speed limit instead of 10 miles over.
I've decided to do my job, do it well, but do what I can within my limits and not drown all the time.
I'm taking more time to spend with my family. If that means a weekend out of town to play putt-putt with my dad, then so be it. A social life is no longer at the top of my priority list.
I'm supporting my husband in his endeavors. Because he's supported me. That's just what we do. He is holding me up with all of his might right now and I can't thank him enough. He's my rock and my soft place to land every day. And I love him for pointing out to me that I had a problem. And needed help.
I'm getting back to a place to where I leave (most days) at 5 and leave it until the next day. That all may change soon, but I have to plan ahead. It's as simple as that.
I'm going to make time to bust my butt in the gym throwing around heavy things. I did this last year. I am doing it again this year. And I can be stronger than ever if I just try. I watched a girl squat around 155 pounds last night and wanted to be like her. And I can. It's not about being all beast mode anymore. It's about being healthy for the rest of my life. And I'm the happiest when I'm in shape.
More than anything, I'm not letting ME derail ME again. I'm learning to cope with a new way of thinking. It. SUCKS. I'm 32 years into a groove and now have to learn how to break out of this mold. I can't be everything to everyone all the time. I have to be Rebecca. A hard worker. A good wife. A good daughter and daughter in law. A good sister. And a good friend. Above that, I have to be good to me. I have to slow down. I have to take the time to change.
Before I get a thousand Facebooks, texts and calls asking "ARE YOU OK!!!!!!!!!", I am :) In fact, I feel more peace than I have in a long time. Do I still have stressful days? Sure thing. I had one yesterday. But I managed it better. I didn't melt down. I didn't give up. I didn't shove Nutella up in my grill. I just dealt with it, and let today be a new day.
Thanks for letting me share this. It's scary and really tough, but I needed to be honest with all of you that follow me. I'm not perfect. And I don't ever plan on being perfect :)
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