Coming Down

Y'ALL! I did it! I officially had the exit interview, I turned in my laptop and all my things and came home and cooked dinner for once! And spent time with my little tiny tornado until she went to bed.  And then watched football, but was so tired that I fell asleep at half-time.  Didn't even get to see our first win live,, but it's ok, Mama was tired.  I even slept in this morning during a torrential downpour and loved it.

Well, not really "in", because I had to get up with a toddler at 6:30, but nonetheless, having some time in bed snuggling with her without the usual morning rush was really nice.  She did manage to elbow me in the face a few times, it's like sleeping inside your dryer when a toddler decides to join you in your bed.  

We did manage to make it to the grocery store in the tropical storm and make it back in one piece.  It was not super crazy like I thought it would be, but, there was one point when the wind and rain made the lights flicker and I had a near panic attack.  We managed to make it out alive and not drenched.  I call that a mommy win.

Now that LE is down for a nap (AFTER WALKING A FEW STEPS, YAY!), I am having a chance to sit here and reflect on this week.  It's been a big one, which I already wrote about on Wednesday night.  Yesterday was a little more emotional than I anticipated.  I had to hold back some tears with certain friends, because I've seen them every day for the better part of 5 years.  They have influenced me and taught me so much.  When I told my team good-bye, they all grabbed their cowbells and rang them on my way out, and I felt like Rocky Balboa! It was such a good feeling to feel so loved. 

That being said, I had MAJOR plans today to do thing like deep clean my house, do 4 loads of laundry, and cook a gourmet meal.  Well, #1, daycare being closed slightly derailed that plan.  But as soon as I got up this morning, I wrote in my journal and the one thing that I heard over and over in my head was "rest".  REST?! Um I have so much to do around here! I just couldn't imagine sitting around in the quiet not doing much of anything. 

But that's exactly what I'm doing right now.  I've got the Food Network on, toys in the floor, and laundry piled high to fold.  I'll get to it.  But for now, I'm enjoying being able to write again and share my daily dose of nonsense with everyone.  I may not get it right all the time in life, but I like to think that I've had some good and bad experiences that I can share and maybe inspire someone.  

Coming down from such a big change in life is like coming off of bike ramp at full speed, but then you slow down and come to a stop and think hmmmmm, now what? That's exactly where I am.  I have 10 days until my new job starts, but in that time, I have a good plan.  Here goes. 

I'm going to start those 10 days with prayer and sending love to those around me.

I'm going to buy Starbucks for the person in line behind me and hope they have a great day. 

I'm probably going to take MULTIPLE trips to my fave store Target and try and redecorate my humble abode. 

I'm going to pay attention to my husband more, cook some real meals, and have a date night or two.  We don't get to do that often enough, but for all he does for me, I'm going to put some time back into our life together as a couple.

I'm going to write more and change my blog name and design (if anyone knows good web designers that need a new project, let a sister know). 

I'm going to have lunch with friends I haven't seen in while and enjoy their company.

I'm going to put my cell phone away and just get quiet. 

I'm going to make it to the gym 4 times a week next week! (I've sucked at it lately, hard to go when you're wrapping things up at work). 

Last but not least, I'm going to spend some time by myself just thinking and planning.  Writing down my goals.  Learning all I can about what I'm about to do.  

These next 10 days, I'm finally going to rest. 

Happy Friday you guys! 

My 100th Post!!!

Hi guys!

It's me.....Rebecca D. I know, WHO you ask? It's been awhile. But fear not, the return of regular posting is coming to you starting now!

This week marks a culmination of a lot of awesome things and why not share about it with my 100th blog post?!?!?!?!?!?

First of all, my sweet nugget is 15 months old tomorrow and I am floored every single day at what a fun little girl she was become. A year ago, she was so small, giggly and sometimes gassy. Today, she is in full force toddler mode, trying to walk, pointing, talking, and holding my hand while saying "mama, mama". Though toddler-hood is frustrating and very daunting, I LOVE watching her morph into her own person. She is very headstrong (maybe stubborn is a more accurate term), fiercely independent, eats anything you put in front of her, and loves her daddy.

I die at the cuteness. Seriously, She is so sweet and funny...and stubborn. But I said that already. I digress.

Second of all, I just sat here and did a Facebook purge and I feel SO GOOD ABOUT IT. Recently, I've just felt this need to not have one million friends. Rather, I'd like to cherish the 5 good friends I have (and my biffy of course, Jarrett), and spend my real time with them. Something about trying to be a better friend and wife has really hit home with me lately. I don't need 910 friends. I don't need to know, random person from high school, what drama you're having very publicly with your ex. Super sorry to all of you that can't read this now. Maybe I'm not sorry.

Sorry, not sorry.

                                    

Lastly, I'm wrapping up my last week at my full time job, and will be starting a new job on 9/12. It's been a bittersweet week for me. I started packing up my desk and pictures today and had to stand there and reflect for a moment.  First of all, it's CRAZY what you accumulate in your desk drawers in that amount of time.  There was a random jump rope in one drawer, and a casserole dish in another.  

Who does that? 

I've been at this job for 5.5 years. Well, technically 8, I was there for 2.5 before, left, came back, and now 5.5. You do the math. However you spin it, I've been there a long time. It's where I've built a family of friends that I really care about and have met some really amazing people. It's been my home and people have watched me get engaged, get married and have a baby. While yes, there was always stress and normal job issues that come with the territory of a growing company, it was a good place for me to grow. Moving onto the next adventure is going to be truly amazing and even though I'm slightly sad to leave my comfort zone, I can't help but feel this burst of energy that I can put into my new project.

I feel like my latest theme in the life of R. Davis has been determination.  I've been through a lot in the past 6 months, some good, some bad, but all of it was a lesson in iron will and determination each and every day. I was reading through a few versus tonight and came across this one, and it really hit home with me:

2 Chronicles 15:7 "But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work."

Not that I feel like I deserve any type of reward, trophy, or prize for what I've done (JUST BUY ME TACOS). Rather, I think about how I've tried to reward myself lately.  I've started to put my physical health first again for the first time in quite awhile.  The reward for that is watching my jeans fit better and better each week.  I've started spending quality time alone in the mornings praying and asking for wisdom, and MAN, has that started to come to me recently.  That time alone gives me a moment to recharge before I hit the ground running everyday.  It gives me time alone to journal and think about how to be a reflection of love to everyone around me.  That is another reward that has come back to me in so many ways. 

My reward for 8 years is not a plaque, or recognition or a speech to a crowd.  It's leaving a company knowing I did a good job and helped people as much as I could.  Did I want to do it every day? Heck no! Some days were tougher than others.  Other days, I just wanted to eat tacos and hide in my house.  But that is everyone at some point in their adult lives.  It's the realization that people don't want me to go that serves as my reward.  Nothing compares to that.  I'm truly humbled. 

So there is my 100th post.  A little sappy, yes, but I can't help it.  It's been an awesome ride. STOKED for what is next!

Stay tuned, new things like a new blog name are possibly coming your way! Happy Wednesday all!

Mommy Wars

To all my ladies, my mommy friends, I'm speaking to you tonight.  There's a crazy thing out there happening all over the interwebs that makes me furious every time I see it.  It's the elephant in the room among us mothers. It's the start of something that will forever be associated with my generation, and I'm ashamed to even be a part of it. 

I'm gonna rant, some of you may not like this, and others, you may want to give me an Emmy for this.  I really don't care.  One thing that taking control of my sanity in the past few months has taught me is that I can be chill and relaxed about life, but I don't have to tolerate ridiculousness. 

Either way, this type of thing needs to stop among women.

Mommy Wars are a real thing.

You guys know what I'm talking about.  It's like a jungle scene from a nature show on the Discovery Channel. Some unsuspecting sweet, probably new mom posts on a swap site asking what type of formula is good for her baby that won't stop spitting up. Seconds later, she's attacked by a group of hyena-moms that think that only Breast is Best and they sabotage poor unsuspecting mom that just wants to feed her baby.  They shame her for her boobies not working. Then some of the nature-riffic moms tell her how to grind her own tree bark from her pear tree in the back yard for formula.  Oh and while you're at it, get rid of those Pampers, you can make diapers out of tree leaves. Others offer encouragement and different pieces of formula advice from their experience.  But that pisses off the other moms on the thread. Before you know it, 15 ladies that DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER IN THE FACE are fighting over something that is not their business.  

I'm exhausted even thinking about this type of interaction.  I see it happen literally once a day.  And you know what? Why do we all care what other people think and why do we not trust our gut more? 

I'll tell you why this happens.  We live in an era where information is right at our fingertips.  I seriously don't know what I did before Google existed.  Don't we all feel that way? Just today I found myself Googling posts about "What is Bulletproof Coffee" and about 200 posts came up in less than 2 seconds.  (Because side note, I haven't slept in a month.  Oh teething, you will not get the best of me!)

We're so hungry for information that we lose sight of what's really important.  Rather than go spend time reading a book in the aisles of Barnes and Noble, or HEAVEN FORBID, go to the library for research, we click a button, and 100 answers appear.  Don't get me wrong, I Google probably 5 times a day and research everything from safe cars to healthy meals.  Even worse are the constant invitations to join mommy swaps and neighborhood area posts on Facebook that appear in our feed with constant things for sale, questions, and the occasional requests for mommy advice.  Not that these swamps are awful. I've purchased PJs, shoes, diapers and clothes from friends needing to purge their house of all of the baby items.  Which I now do myself.  Because it takes over your house like kudzu.  But heaven forbid the day that people ask a question, and then they're rewarded with 20,000 answers and opinions, all of them different, and some of them downright rude. 

The worst is to watch someone be torn down when they ask for advice.  In this day and time of equal rights, we embarrass each other by cutting down the other woman.  Why? Does it feel good? Do you feel gratified when you do it? Do you not know how to read something, keep your opinion to yourself because maybe, just maybe, you don't know what the other person is going through? 

Guess what? When I had Lila Eve, my boobs wouldn't work.  I had every odd stacked against me to not be able to successfully breastfeed her.  I had a previous surgery that made all the nerve connections suspect to not work. She was born early.  She was born via C-Section after 24 hours of no sleep and painful labor.  She was tiny and to this day, I'm still amazed they let us take her home without staying in the NICU a few days.  She looked like a doll.  Because she wouldn't latch, I had to use all sorts of contraptions to get her to feed, use some formula, and pump every time I fed her.  Every. Two. Hours.  It was a month of torture on top of already out of control hormones and not being able to stand upright. I would be proud of 2 ounces only to find out that was truly all that I could muster in such a crazy situation.  When I went for her weight check at 4 weeks, her pediatrician asked me if I was still pumping/feeding/supplementing formula.  I literally broke down into tears and sobbed that I was still doing all of that.  She looked at me and smiled and said "who are you doing that for, you or her? She's growing with the formula, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.".

BOOM.  Game. Changer. I returned my rented pump and never looked back. 

Now imagine posting this story on a mom swap and getting the range of reactions: 

"What a crazy doctor, you should have still tried! Bet your kid is sick all the time" (2 ear infections, in one year, kiss my butt!)

"Oh good for you! You go girl, do what you have to do to grow that baby!" (thank you, I am!)

"Couldn't you have stuck with it just until 6 months? I mean, pumping isn't that bad" (um, sorry, I was sleep deprived and tired to the point that I probably shouldn't have driven a car at times, I'll take my powdered formula now).

"What about a lactation consultant? Would that help?" (I saw 3! They all agreed formula was best!)

All I'm saying ladies is I'm gonna do me, you do you.  And you know what? It's OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's fine! Co-sleep or put them in a crib.  Breast or formula, or both.  Cry it out or go get them and rock them. Cloth diapers or regular diapers.  Whatever you do, it's totally up to you.  You're going to get criticized for it by someone.  Hopefully it's an old lady that's so senile that she doesn't know what she's say and you don't want to smack her in the middle of Publix (had that happen a few times when the baby bump was touched by strangers).  But you do what is BEST for you and your family.  And that's all there is to it.

I reach out to my mommy friends for advice all the time and I'm always grateful for the tips they give me.  Do I follow every suggestion? I'll probably try it once to see what happens, but if it doesn't work, onto the next thing.  And in the 10 months I've managed to keep my child alive and breathing, I've usually gone with my gut.  And she's turned out perfectly ok. 

It's got to stop you guys.  No more putting each other down or tearing each other apart.  We should be lifting each other up for accomplishing such great things while raising a family.  It's not easy.  There are days where I have to gather myself like a general going to battle.  But I do it.  I signed up for it. And nobody will tell me what kind of mother to be.  Especially not a stranger. 

Love each other, but most of all, love yourself!

Five

I arrived at work today for a sweet surprise from my team.  I've been at my job for 5 years.  Technically, 9....or 7.5......long story short, I started in April 2007, worked until November 2009, left for a year, then came back in March of 2011.  Had I stayed the entire time, it would be nine years.  So..........happy 5 or 9 or 7.5 years, either way, it was quite a milestone to celebrate that I wasn't expecting.  AND a bottle of champagne definitely made me happy after dealing with a sick 9 month old for 4 days.  I may drink all of it tonight!

After my last post about my dealings with post partum anxiety, I was shocked at the feedback and positive support that I received.  I did not realize how my story spoke to so many people.  After feeling so down and anxious for months, I finally feel empowered and confident.  All of this has caused me to do some major thinking about myself as a woman, wife, mother, co-worker and friend. Life has changed so much in the past few years.

Five years ago,  my professional career at the time was just starting over after leaving my old job, going to a new one, and then realizing that it wasn't for me.  I then came back to a new job where I'm celebrating my 5 year mark today (back at my old job). 

Five years ago, my biffy Steph and I had traveled most of the Eastern Mediterranean on a single girls cruise, followed by a trip to Vegas 2 months later.  Yes, I will admit we had an accidental couples massage and drank champagne pretty much all day every day, and it was amazing. It was by far the most incredible summers of my life and it happened at the right time.  I had been through a crappy breakup and desperately needed a pick me up.  After coming back from that trip, we both met our now husbands. We ate a lot of sushi. We drank a lot of wine.  We danced and brought sexy back. 

And my world slowly started to change. 

Five years for me consisted of dating, figuring out HOW to be in a relationship for the first time in a long time, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, getting pregnant after 10 months of marriage, re-homing a dog, busting my tail at work, buying a house, loosing 2 grandparents, starting a side business, and welcoming a tiny baby into our lives this past June.  OH and replacing our HVAC after moving in and it crapping out with a newborn. That was the suckiest part about that entire 5 years.

I look at all of that and I'm already exhausted when I get to the "getting married" part.  A lot has happened in 5 years. And in the midst of it all, I did not see the woman I was becoming.

Five years ago, I was desperate for affection, a title, the money and was always concerned about what people thought of me.  I think part of that stems from being a preacher's kid, or as I like to call it, being part of the "First Family".  When you grow up in church all your life and your dad is in the pulpit every single Sunday, everyone is watching you to see if you will be a perfect angel or turn into a pot-smoking party girl.  I was always obsessed with being perfect. I heard someone explain in church recently about being a "PK".  When tasked with re-evaluating his life and spiritual relationship, he said that like most preacher's kids, he had to go through his own path to see that.  That struck a huge cord with me.  I have always followed my own path without really listening to anyone but my own gut intuition.  Some of those decisions were good, and others, not so good.

In that time that has passed, I've learned a lot about myself. I can see a glimpse of that person from time to time, and I'm so glad she's changed. 

I learned that I don't have to be so hardcore when it comes to my body.  Having a baby taught me that all of those stretch marks and new curves grew a human that lights up my world every single day.  And I would do it all over again tomorrow.

I've learned that it's ok to be mad for a day, but that you should apologize and move on.  Life is too short to hold a grudge. 

I've also learned that it's ok to stand my ground and not care about what the world thinks of me, because I'm fine being confident in my decisions. 

I've learned that even though I don't see my close friends every week or multiple times a month like I used to, that we can spend 2 hours together and pick right back up where we left off.  The latest social event doesn't entice us anymore, but a good deal on diapers certainly does!

I've learned that at 34, I'm probably "old" to some people and a bit set in my ways. I do it because structure is good for my life and I'm not one for a 2 day hangover anymore.  Plus hangovers with kids is worse than any torture that Jason Bourne every endured. (But TONIGHT, I will celebrate 5 years of success!)

Jarrett came home last week with a card out of nowhere. I won't embarrass him with all of what he wrote, but the words he used to describe me included "passion", "remarkable", "love" and special".  I've been waiting 5 years to hear those things about myself to know that they're true. To know that he sees me the way that I see myself after all of this time just lets me know I'm in the right place. 

Sorry! (but not sorry)

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged, and I felt the need for a really honest "Come to Jesus" blog post. I spend 90% of my time taking care of a spunky 8 month old and trying to maintain a good marriage.  All while trying to work, not be fat, and keep it all together. Life is busy! But I'm finding my groove these days. I miss writing. And tonight I have some peace and quiet to myself while the little one sleeps and before J gets home from work. 

I will note that this is something I've wanted to write about for awhile, but have been scared to death to do it. I am completely baring my soul right now and it's frightening as crap, but, here goes!

I feel like there are times in your life where you feel like you're letting everyone down.  Motherhood is one of those times. What becomes your new normal feels so abnormal because you live your life in this little box that doesn't include happy hours or pedicures or long naps by yourself anymore.  It becomes this whirlwind of not sleeping, feeding and loving a tiny little life form that depends on you for so much. And at times, you just feel suffocated. You feel like your girlfriends call or text you and that you should reply, but you just can't.  Your husband looks at you with one eyebrow raised when you go check on the baby for the 10th time in an hour. And you can't bring yourself to admit that's crazy. You walk into a room filled with your loving family and you cringe on the inside when your child is passed around.  You feel the eyes on you and feel the disappointment in your soul on how you're handling yourself like an escaped mental patient. 

I had a real wake up call with myself about some anxiety that started creeping into my life right around Thanksgiving this year. I didn't notice it at first. I started sleeping less even though my sweet girl slept through the night from 7-6 most days. With the occasional pacifier plea at 4 in the morning.  Now she's big enough to just pop it right back in! I started checking on her in this insane "let me make sure she's breathing" way after not really worrying about it for months. I drank coffee all day long. Morning and afternoon. I was angry at everyone and everything.  The smallest thing like a piece of dirt on the carpet would send me into a vacuuming frenzy and a stare down my whoever traipsed it in my house. I lived in my leggings and baggy shirts and felt like it took all of my energy to just get up most days. 

When I wasn't around the baby, I felt like the walls were closing in. Even though I knew she was in good hands with grandparents or daycare, I was constantly worried.  I quit seeing my friends and when I did, I was one text message away from getting up and heading home because I just did not want to be away from her.  I protectively watched her when people like my own mother held her.  Needless to say, I felt crippled and not like myself at all.  The sparkle from my smile was gone and I felt like a flabbier, more anxious version of myself with an anger management problem.

I finally realized after a crippling weekend of not even being able to drive that I needed professional help.  I saw my doctor.  I found a support group. I started talking to complete and total strangers that didn't even know me but that understood what I was going through.  I didn't feel depressed nor did I want the label of post partum depression put on me, but I did not feel like myself. I learned that everything I felt, the rage, the intense need to feel perfect, was all totally normal. I made a list of things I wanted to do again and started doing them.  Jarrett realized that it's important for me to get away and have breaks. I have an amazing support group of mommy friends that have all told me how much they support me in getting the help I needed.  I changed my diet and started to take better care of me, not just everyone around me.  I bought jeans that fit and decided to stop air drying my hair in a mess of waves without any sort of style. I slowly started to feel like myself again.

It's been almost 3 months since I started my journey to feeling whole again.  I'm not perfect and I still mess up.  The biggest thing that I've learned in getting help is that I'm no longer sorry for being myself.  I've learned to stop apologizing for my shortcomings and just keep going.  I'm not sorry for things like shopping for 2 hours alone and having a moment to myself to feel like a person again.  I'm not sorry for all of those missed texts or texts I thought I wrote, but I didn't.  They'll get to you somehow. I'm not sorry for telling people that their comments make me anxious and to let me parent my way. I'm not sorry for stopping breastfeeding after a month and not trying harder, because it physically wasn't possible for me.  It was the best thing for my child. I'm not sorry that some days, I take my child to daycare first, and then come home and get ready alone.  I'm not sorry that I leave work at 4:30 most days and have time with my daughter that requires complete focus on her and not on my inbox.  I'm not sorry for planning a vacation in a few months that involves only my husband, because we need a chance to be just the two of us again and not just Netflix and chill. Most of all, I'm not sorry for staring down my fears and facing them head on. I feel like so many people go down the rabbit hole of insecurity these days only to be crippled and never recover.  I don't want to live in a world where I feel scared. nor do I want my daughter to feel scared because she sees that fear in me.  That is not the way I want her to grow up.  I want her life to be an adventure in being an independent and pretty cool person. 

Much love to all of you out there that struggle with anxiety, depression, or just anything that throws a wrench in your life. Get the help you need, let your friends be your sounding board, but most of all, learn to love yourself.  You just might see how amazing your are.