Mommy Wars

To all my ladies, my mommy friends, I'm speaking to you tonight.  There's a crazy thing out there happening all over the interwebs that makes me furious every time I see it.  It's the elephant in the room among us mothers. It's the start of something that will forever be associated with my generation, and I'm ashamed to even be a part of it. 

I'm gonna rant, some of you may not like this, and others, you may want to give me an Emmy for this.  I really don't care.  One thing that taking control of my sanity in the past few months has taught me is that I can be chill and relaxed about life, but I don't have to tolerate ridiculousness. 

Either way, this type of thing needs to stop among women.

Mommy Wars are a real thing.

You guys know what I'm talking about.  It's like a jungle scene from a nature show on the Discovery Channel. Some unsuspecting sweet, probably new mom posts on a swap site asking what type of formula is good for her baby that won't stop spitting up. Seconds later, she's attacked by a group of hyena-moms that think that only Breast is Best and they sabotage poor unsuspecting mom that just wants to feed her baby.  They shame her for her boobies not working. Then some of the nature-riffic moms tell her how to grind her own tree bark from her pear tree in the back yard for formula.  Oh and while you're at it, get rid of those Pampers, you can make diapers out of tree leaves. Others offer encouragement and different pieces of formula advice from their experience.  But that pisses off the other moms on the thread. Before you know it, 15 ladies that DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER IN THE FACE are fighting over something that is not their business.  

I'm exhausted even thinking about this type of interaction.  I see it happen literally once a day.  And you know what? Why do we all care what other people think and why do we not trust our gut more? 

I'll tell you why this happens.  We live in an era where information is right at our fingertips.  I seriously don't know what I did before Google existed.  Don't we all feel that way? Just today I found myself Googling posts about "What is Bulletproof Coffee" and about 200 posts came up in less than 2 seconds.  (Because side note, I haven't slept in a month.  Oh teething, you will not get the best of me!)

We're so hungry for information that we lose sight of what's really important.  Rather than go spend time reading a book in the aisles of Barnes and Noble, or HEAVEN FORBID, go to the library for research, we click a button, and 100 answers appear.  Don't get me wrong, I Google probably 5 times a day and research everything from safe cars to healthy meals.  Even worse are the constant invitations to join mommy swaps and neighborhood area posts on Facebook that appear in our feed with constant things for sale, questions, and the occasional requests for mommy advice.  Not that these swamps are awful. I've purchased PJs, shoes, diapers and clothes from friends needing to purge their house of all of the baby items.  Which I now do myself.  Because it takes over your house like kudzu.  But heaven forbid the day that people ask a question, and then they're rewarded with 20,000 answers and opinions, all of them different, and some of them downright rude. 

The worst is to watch someone be torn down when they ask for advice.  In this day and time of equal rights, we embarrass each other by cutting down the other woman.  Why? Does it feel good? Do you feel gratified when you do it? Do you not know how to read something, keep your opinion to yourself because maybe, just maybe, you don't know what the other person is going through? 

Guess what? When I had Lila Eve, my boobs wouldn't work.  I had every odd stacked against me to not be able to successfully breastfeed her.  I had a previous surgery that made all the nerve connections suspect to not work. She was born early.  She was born via C-Section after 24 hours of no sleep and painful labor.  She was tiny and to this day, I'm still amazed they let us take her home without staying in the NICU a few days.  She looked like a doll.  Because she wouldn't latch, I had to use all sorts of contraptions to get her to feed, use some formula, and pump every time I fed her.  Every. Two. Hours.  It was a month of torture on top of already out of control hormones and not being able to stand upright. I would be proud of 2 ounces only to find out that was truly all that I could muster in such a crazy situation.  When I went for her weight check at 4 weeks, her pediatrician asked me if I was still pumping/feeding/supplementing formula.  I literally broke down into tears and sobbed that I was still doing all of that.  She looked at me and smiled and said "who are you doing that for, you or her? She's growing with the formula, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.".

BOOM.  Game. Changer. I returned my rented pump and never looked back. 

Now imagine posting this story on a mom swap and getting the range of reactions: 

"What a crazy doctor, you should have still tried! Bet your kid is sick all the time" (2 ear infections, in one year, kiss my butt!)

"Oh good for you! You go girl, do what you have to do to grow that baby!" (thank you, I am!)

"Couldn't you have stuck with it just until 6 months? I mean, pumping isn't that bad" (um, sorry, I was sleep deprived and tired to the point that I probably shouldn't have driven a car at times, I'll take my powdered formula now).

"What about a lactation consultant? Would that help?" (I saw 3! They all agreed formula was best!)

All I'm saying ladies is I'm gonna do me, you do you.  And you know what? It's OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's fine! Co-sleep or put them in a crib.  Breast or formula, or both.  Cry it out or go get them and rock them. Cloth diapers or regular diapers.  Whatever you do, it's totally up to you.  You're going to get criticized for it by someone.  Hopefully it's an old lady that's so senile that she doesn't know what she's say and you don't want to smack her in the middle of Publix (had that happen a few times when the baby bump was touched by strangers).  But you do what is BEST for you and your family.  And that's all there is to it.

I reach out to my mommy friends for advice all the time and I'm always grateful for the tips they give me.  Do I follow every suggestion? I'll probably try it once to see what happens, but if it doesn't work, onto the next thing.  And in the 10 months I've managed to keep my child alive and breathing, I've usually gone with my gut.  And she's turned out perfectly ok. 

It's got to stop you guys.  No more putting each other down or tearing each other apart.  We should be lifting each other up for accomplishing such great things while raising a family.  It's not easy.  There are days where I have to gather myself like a general going to battle.  But I do it.  I signed up for it. And nobody will tell me what kind of mother to be.  Especially not a stranger. 

Love each other, but most of all, love yourself!