Five

I arrived at work today for a sweet surprise from my team.  I've been at my job for 5 years.  Technically, 9....or 7.5......long story short, I started in April 2007, worked until November 2009, left for a year, then came back in March of 2011.  Had I stayed the entire time, it would be nine years.  So..........happy 5 or 9 or 7.5 years, either way, it was quite a milestone to celebrate that I wasn't expecting.  AND a bottle of champagne definitely made me happy after dealing with a sick 9 month old for 4 days.  I may drink all of it tonight!

After my last post about my dealings with post partum anxiety, I was shocked at the feedback and positive support that I received.  I did not realize how my story spoke to so many people.  After feeling so down and anxious for months, I finally feel empowered and confident.  All of this has caused me to do some major thinking about myself as a woman, wife, mother, co-worker and friend. Life has changed so much in the past few years.

Five years ago,  my professional career at the time was just starting over after leaving my old job, going to a new one, and then realizing that it wasn't for me.  I then came back to a new job where I'm celebrating my 5 year mark today (back at my old job). 

Five years ago, my biffy Steph and I had traveled most of the Eastern Mediterranean on a single girls cruise, followed by a trip to Vegas 2 months later.  Yes, I will admit we had an accidental couples massage and drank champagne pretty much all day every day, and it was amazing. It was by far the most incredible summers of my life and it happened at the right time.  I had been through a crappy breakup and desperately needed a pick me up.  After coming back from that trip, we both met our now husbands. We ate a lot of sushi. We drank a lot of wine.  We danced and brought sexy back. 

And my world slowly started to change. 

Five years for me consisted of dating, figuring out HOW to be in a relationship for the first time in a long time, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, getting pregnant after 10 months of marriage, re-homing a dog, busting my tail at work, buying a house, loosing 2 grandparents, starting a side business, and welcoming a tiny baby into our lives this past June.  OH and replacing our HVAC after moving in and it crapping out with a newborn. That was the suckiest part about that entire 5 years.

I look at all of that and I'm already exhausted when I get to the "getting married" part.  A lot has happened in 5 years. And in the midst of it all, I did not see the woman I was becoming.

Five years ago, I was desperate for affection, a title, the money and was always concerned about what people thought of me.  I think part of that stems from being a preacher's kid, or as I like to call it, being part of the "First Family".  When you grow up in church all your life and your dad is in the pulpit every single Sunday, everyone is watching you to see if you will be a perfect angel or turn into a pot-smoking party girl.  I was always obsessed with being perfect. I heard someone explain in church recently about being a "PK".  When tasked with re-evaluating his life and spiritual relationship, he said that like most preacher's kids, he had to go through his own path to see that.  That struck a huge cord with me.  I have always followed my own path without really listening to anyone but my own gut intuition.  Some of those decisions were good, and others, not so good.

In that time that has passed, I've learned a lot about myself. I can see a glimpse of that person from time to time, and I'm so glad she's changed. 

I learned that I don't have to be so hardcore when it comes to my body.  Having a baby taught me that all of those stretch marks and new curves grew a human that lights up my world every single day.  And I would do it all over again tomorrow.

I've learned that it's ok to be mad for a day, but that you should apologize and move on.  Life is too short to hold a grudge. 

I've also learned that it's ok to stand my ground and not care about what the world thinks of me, because I'm fine being confident in my decisions. 

I've learned that even though I don't see my close friends every week or multiple times a month like I used to, that we can spend 2 hours together and pick right back up where we left off.  The latest social event doesn't entice us anymore, but a good deal on diapers certainly does!

I've learned that at 34, I'm probably "old" to some people and a bit set in my ways. I do it because structure is good for my life and I'm not one for a 2 day hangover anymore.  Plus hangovers with kids is worse than any torture that Jason Bourne every endured. (But TONIGHT, I will celebrate 5 years of success!)

Jarrett came home last week with a card out of nowhere. I won't embarrass him with all of what he wrote, but the words he used to describe me included "passion", "remarkable", "love" and special".  I've been waiting 5 years to hear those things about myself to know that they're true. To know that he sees me the way that I see myself after all of this time just lets me know I'm in the right place.